Some Thoughts On My First Anniversary

Last year this day my husband and I tied the knot.   I was 30.  He was a few years older.  We were not too young.  We were expected to be mature. Experienced. Wise. Both had lived alone. Both had managed a household before.  Both were comfortable professionally.

But we defied age.  We fought like little kids.   We fought for who does how much work in the house. We fought for sharing the cupboard space.  We fought about who never gets up to answer the door for the maid.  We fought about who sleeps more!

We were not the couple who would post ‘Aww! Sweetie, you complete me! How did I ever live without you!’

We were very much complete and alive before meeting each other!

We were not the couple who others looked at said,  ‘Oh my you two! You make us believe in love!’

We were the couple to whom people said, ‘Are fir se jhagda kar liya!’

What kind of a couple are we?

I guess… The real type!!

Fresh off The Other  Side

When you marry early, you have something to fear. It is the fear of ending up alone.  But when you marry late, you have already overcome that fear.  You have survived break-ups. You have learnt to live alone. You have fallen down, reached rock bottom and risen.  You have watched your friends post Hallmark photos with their spouses and toddlers.  Seeing their content faces, you have wished, ‘Why could I not have that!’  But then you see your life, happy and peaceful, and you have said to yourself ‘That would have been nice. But this is good too. It is nice actually!’

The one thing you teach yourself is that you do not need anyone.  You have made yourself so independent. You are better off alone.

How do you unlearn all of that? 

The man I married

Last year, probably a week away from today, my husband and I were on our honeymoon in Switzerland.   We were travelling in a train.  A lady (reasonably older) had got on with a lot of luggage.  She was struggling with it to get on.  With great difficulty she managed to find herself a spot to stand with her three suitcases.  The way she was struggling with them,  they seemed bulky and heavy. She had barely given a sigh of relief as people started getting down at the next stop and she spotted a sight to sit. The problem was to reach the seat she had to pass through the stairs.   She started dragging all her three suitcases  towards the empty seat up the stairs.  Other people were looking at her and trying to give her space to move.  My husband walked up to her and offered to move her luggage for her.  He did it for her. One by one while she looked at him gratefully. She said to my husband, “You are very kind, gentleman”. 

I was smiling in pride.

There are so many other things he has done.

When he was unwell, but he still volunteered to drop my sister to the airport.

When I was buying a doll for my niece in Paris, and looked at the price, and he told me not to think about it. And went ahead and paid.

When he gets chicken momos for me on his way back from office.

When he tells my Maa-in-law to get my favorite peda from our hometown!

When he makes Maggi with pyaaz on Sundays!

But the problem is when the daily grind gets to us, the atta, chawal, maid, loan instalments, we stop seeing the bigger picture. We forget the person we married. We forget the good in them.

My Life Now

Few days ago, I had gone to the mall to shop for an upcoming vacation. My husband was also at the same mall but he had to buy electronics, so he was shopping separately.  I was searching for clothes, trying them out but I had no clue what I liked.  I would try on something, but without his approving nod and smile, I had no idea if I looked good. I bought nothing.

Another day,  I called him to ask what time he would be coming home. He said he would be late.  Disappointed, I ate alone.  I put on Netflix.   I felt tempted to watch the next episode of Delhi Crime.   But I ended up watching something else.   Something I do not care about. Not because I cannot watch it without him. But because what is the fun watching without us commenting on it together!

On my first anniversary

Marriage requires a lot of effort. And since it is such a life term project, it gets exhausting! What is good and what is bad? I guess it is like that day in the mall. Or the day alone at home.   The home and the outside world suddenly becomes weird without the one person you did not know until a couple of years back. And you feel lost. 

Some gyaan

To all those couples like me in a new marriage, hang in there!   Perfect couples are fictional! Remember the movie, Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd! Half of our problems exist because we feel that others have it easier.

Never ever feel put down or disheartened with rough patches.  It is all part and parcel of the package deal!

Remember, for better or for worse!

In sickness, and in health!

To love and to cherish!

And last but not the least, remember the person you married. 

Cheers to all the real couples out there!

Haste haste (Ladte Ladte) Kat Jayein Raste, Zindagi Yoon Hi Chalti Rahe,

Khushi mile ya ghum, badleinge na hum, duniya chahe badalti rahe!

 

 

 

Father of A Daughter Manages To Let Go After Marriage… But Mother Of The Son Cannot?

Father of A Daughter Manages To Let Go After Marriage… But Mother Of The Son Cannot?

There are umpteen stories of mother in law – daughter in law problems. Why is this so when there aren’t so many stories of father in law – son in law issues? The answer will surprise you.

Is the Hallmark Card Dream Killing Women?

I cannot get the following headlines off my mind:

“I am going to kill myself today bcoz Mayank has driven me to it. He finally let me out but I can’t repair what he has done,her last words read.

“Delhi Air Hostess Learnt About Husband’s First Marriage Month Ago.”

Her family claimed that Mr Singhvi used to physically abuse her and they also accused his parents of harassing her for dowry.

I don’t want to specifically write about Anissia because it is still too early. We do not know if it is a murder or suicide. I don’t want to judge a woman I did not know. Especially a woman who was cremated two days ago.  I also do not wish to scrutinize the life of a woman who died. Still, writing this article in the hope that it may help someone.

I read an article this morning on about how parents should support their daughters and make them get out of abusive marriages and not give dowry. I also read comments (probably from Anissia’s friends) getting defensive saying that she was very strong, and had supportive parents. Her father was in the Army.   She was financially independent and it seems that money was no motivator was her to get stuck in the marriage.

 Then what happened? Why is she dead?

Why are so many intelligent, financially independent women in our society preferring to jump or hang themselves rather than being called the D word?

A friend of mine updates her whatsapp display picture every other day with a smiling photo of her husband and herself.  What you cannot see is the bruises on her body which are concealed in her DP.  Messages are sent to friends asking for helpline numbers. What is more regular? The injury or the status updates?

Friends try to convince her to get out. She says that there are happy times too. She is not willing to leave him.

Is it our fault that she is still with him? Are we not doing enough?

If you see Anissia’s social media profile, there are so many happy, couple photos. A good-looking couple posing and holidaying at beautiful locations.

This is common.  Friends posting pictures with their husbands. Beautiful, happy pictures. People commenting:

Lovely couple!

Hottest couple!

Stay blessed!

Smileys. Emojis. Likes. Comments. Social approval.

What lies beneath?

We love the life we wish to project to the world. We are in love. We are in a blissful marriage. We are happy. We try hard to make our lives close to what we like to portray. Sometimes we believe it too.

In contrast, I have friends who are divorced or never married. They are into their 30’s, 40’s. Some of them want to get married. Others are okay being single. To the world, they may be “unmarried.”

Poor girl. She must find someone soon. Time is running out.

Bechari divorce ke baad decide ki shadi nahi karegi dobara.

Some of these women are actually living quite peaceful and joyous lives. Marital bliss is not the only bliss the universe has to offer. They may not get to flaunt holiday, couple pictures. They may not have done pre-wedding, pregnancy photoshoots. They do not get to add statuses like ‘Aww! Feeling loved with so and so!’ or ‘Woke up to this surprise from my sweetheart’. But they are still leading good lives. Every day that they wake up they don’t have somebody who makes them feel like filth. Yes, occasionally they do feel left out at family functions and weddings. But it is still better than being treated badly every day.

What am I trying to prove?

We all fall for social pressure. We envy people who seem to have love and money. We create a lie and then spend the rest of our life miserable trying to live up to it.

Don’t fall for the trap. Nobody, nobody has everything in life.  You don’t have to have everything either. It is okay to not have a partner to flaunt. It is okay to not have a vacation in Europe. It is okay to be not earning a lot of money. It is okay to be not married. It is okay to not have children. It is okay to be divorced.

What is not okay is to be dead at 39 after jumping off the terrace. What is not okay is leaving behind old parents and a brother who will spend the rest of their life attending court hearings and running ‘Justice for Anissia’ campaigns wishing they were dead too.

And what justice will they get? Even if the husband and his family get punished (which I doubt) will this woman come back?

The society does not care about you. They don’t care if you are happy or sad or rich or poor or married or single.  At least not for long.  Please do not waste your life for the society. The only thing that matters is you. Please do what is right for yourself.  I have written about this so many times before.  Please, please be strong. Please do not commit suicide for such idiots. And please do not stay with them to test how much more you can suffer.

Yes, every marriage has good days and bad days.  But if for you the bad days means getting hit and thinking about hanging yourself then it is not worth it.

Image source

Related articles link:

The Intelligent, Young Woman – Wasted In Marriage

She saved her marriage. But what about her life?

 

 

 

 

 

Break-Up Of Bromance – The Latest Fault Of The Indian Wife

Break-Up Of Bromance – The Latest Fault Of The Indian Wife

Wives have traditionally been put second by husbands, after their in laws and his extended family, and now after a bromance too?

Year 2011: A movie titled ‘Pyaar ka punchnama’ had released. After watching it, I had told a male friend how I did not like the portrayal of women.

“Why don’t you protest when all movies show men as villains? Haan? This movie shows the reality of women!”

Read more.

Is Marriage Considered “Free Rehabilitation Facility” By Indian Parents And Their “Problematic” Sons?

Is Marriage Considered “Free Rehabilitation Facility” By Indian Parents And Their “Problematic” Sons?

Why do Indian families feel that if a man has lost his purpose in life, is abusive, or suffers from any addictions, the best thing to do for him would be to get him married?

Is it a reasonable expectation? Is it fair? Is it not outright deceitful and selfish?

Click on the link above to read the full article on Women’s Web.

Would You Choose Passion Over Stability?

I keep hearing the story of an older family friend.

He must be in his 80’s now. He has never been married. As per the legend, he used to be a handsome man in his youth. Romantic. Desirable. Rumour has it that he looked just like like Rajesh Khanna.

He wanted a “love marriage.” Whenever any “ladki walas” came home for a rishta, he would pretend to limp. Or something else.  He was filmy. He was very clear that he would not compromise on his partner.

Years went by. The perfect one never came along. There were some rumours of an alleged brief fling with another lady who also never married.  He remained single.

He is currently in an old age home. His siblings’ children do visit him. His story has been passed on to my generation by parents as an example of what happens when you are too dreamy! You end up alone!

“You marry while you can!” is what elders tell us. Or even older cousins who married someone without falling in love. I do not want to make this post about arranged marriage vs love marriage. I have written enough about it.

Would you marry someone who are not even attracted to, or have a connection with because he can provide you a stable life?

Or would you marry someone with whom you have a spark yet you are unsure of stability in the future?

What if you don’t even have the second option yet. Would you wait? Or would you go ahead with a secured life?

We have not seen the future. Someone who seems stable today may not be so in the future. So what are you left with then?

And if you marry for “love”, then well if the love doesn’t last?

Can chemistry be developed over time?

But should it be so forced? Isn’t it easier when you already have it?

Elders love to say “You should marry someone who likes you. Not someone who you like.” I think only Indian elders say this!! Is it too much to ask that BOTH should like each other?

I remember talking to a friend of mine who is older than me. She is also a practising counselor. One of the girls was complaining that she was being pressurized for an arranged marriage. But she did not find the guys her parents were seeing for her interesting. But the guy she was seeing was not interested in marrying her. My counselor friend said to her, “You are looking for a man who can be a friend, plus you should have chemistry, plus commitment, all in one person!”

“Well, isn’t that what a relationship is supposed to be?” I immediately jumped to her rescue.

Ideally yes. But it may not happen. You have to pick what matters most to you.”

The answer is never so simple. People who have been married will tell you what matters. Or even what is missing.

Just a thought. A random one.

Source

 

 

 

 

 

No, Living With In-Laws Is Not The Law. And I Am Not A Criminal If I Breach It!

http://www.womensweb.in/2018/01/no-living-with-in-laws-is-not-the-law-jan18wk2/

Please click on the link above to read the full article on Women’s Web.