How To Survive Valentine’s Day!

Statistics suggest that so many break-ups happen around Valentine’s Day. This day is not just torturous for single people, but also for people who are in relationships. Expectations, unnecessary comparisons and social media declarations of ‘Aww!’ ‘I am so lucky’ ‘I have the best husband/boyfriend’ can make people feel quite miserable about themselves. The only people who actually benefit from this day are businesses that sell teddy bears,  cards , roses, chocolates and other gifts.

If you are feeling low before Valentine’s day, please read the following. Hope it makes you feel better. 🙂

  1. It is just another day

I don’t remember the story behind Valentine’s day. My earliest memories of Valentine’s Day are from my college days when I was teased that my birthday (14th November) comes nine months after Valentine’s day! I also remember a teacher accepting that he could not possibly teach on this day because it is like a “tyohar” for us!  I think the first time I heard about Valentine’ day was when I was a teenager.  This day should be celebrated if it makes you happy. But if it is an add on in any way,  then please choose to ignore it.  It is not at all important and probably people in the generation before us lived happily before knowing about it!

2. Don’t expect much from your partner

Anniversaries are important. Birthdays are important. But if he/she does not give you a gift or  forgets about Valentine’s Day, do not make an issue out of it.  There are bigger things to fight about!

3. Being Single

If you are single, and you feel bad looking at couples on this day, just remember you have something that these people don’t have. You have hope. You have hope of meeting someone.  You have hope of finding love.  Enjoy that thought!

4. Don’t be harsh on yourself / your partner

No matter who you are, whether you are in a good relationship or a bad relationship, you are about to dump someone, you are newly single or single for a long time, just remember that another human being, even someone you love or is supposed to love you is just another human being. Human beings have limitations. They will hurt you, they will not understand you, and they will do things that you don’t understand.

5. Love yourself

Valentine’s day is about love and we start analyzing our love life more on this day than required. Please don’t take drastic decisions on this day! And if you are worrying too much about how to spend the day when the whole world seems to be screaming about celebrating it, and you have nothing special planned just do something nice for yourself. Like a spa!

Most importantly , don’t feel bad.  No matter who you are and what situation you are in. Relationships are tough. Always.  Don’t let this day make it worse for you.

For all those who have plans for this day, wish you the best! Have fun!

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In Our Hearts, Forever.

Not too long ago, my sister had forwarded this picture to us in our family WhatsApp group with a caption ‘Meet Cuddles’!

‘Wow!’ – Me

‘Is he real or a toy!’ – My mom

‘Diya (niece’s name changed) must have gone crazy to get such a cute puppy!! – My dad

My niece had been asking for a puppy for a long time. My sister in an attempt to distract her had got her fish, rabbit, turtle! Any other pet that could be low maintenance! But nothing can replace a dog…

 As a kid, we had dogs.  We loved them. We played with them. They became part of our family. And then we watched them die. We grieved. We cried. We swore to never put ourselves through that pain again. But then again, we would get another dog….

When I met my sister recently ,  she seemed ready to get a puppy. The niece was more than delighted. And so came Cuddles into their life….

Cuddles’ video was circulated in our extended family groups also.   Every kid who saw him said the same thing – ‘I want it!’

My mother and I loved to show his pictures to our friends too. Sure, I was not the one who had it in my home. But someone so close to me had this cutie!! I loved to flaunt him too!!

My sister’s routine overnight turned into that of a new mother.  Cuddles was after all, just a baby. He could not sleep alone. He would cry. She would move to the carpet to be next to him. He would wake up in the middle of the night. She would wake up with him.

But just like a baby, with all the work, and cleaning, and sleepless nights came  great moments of joys, and milestones. Cuddles’ first long jump! Cuddles’ first meal with lamb! Cuddles’ first chew toy!

Soon, all discussions in the family revolved around Cuddles. Because of the time difference and work timings, my sister and I are not able to speak frequently. I get to know about her through my mother, and so does she. My mother would keep me updated on Cuddles’ adventures.. But it was not enough for me…

I so badly wanted to see him.  My sister has always loved video calls.  I have always hated it. I don’t like the thought of someone calling me in the middle of something, when I am in pyjamas, or worse at work with no privacy. Also, I feel the face looks so funny in those calls.  Whenever my sister would call me, instead of looking at her I would look at myself. I am obsessed with teeth cleanliness.  While talking, I would open my mouth wide, and start checking my teeth. I guess for me that was the only advantage of a video call! Closer teeth view!! Needless to say, this irritated my sister a lot.

But now things were different. I was the one requesting her for a video call. Only to see Cuddles…

Cuddles had now even made a trip to my niece’s school and the supermarket. He was a star everywhere he went.  People wanted to hold him, touch him and make sure he is for real.  He loved licking everyone. He loved everybody. And he surely got a lot of love in return.

Tuesday evening,  I spoke to my sister. Usual, mundane things. I had just come back from office. For her it was  morning.  Her day had just started.  After dinner I called my mother. She and my father had gone to watch Manikarnika and I could not wait to hear if she liked it as much as I liked it.

After talking to all my family members, watching an episode of Seinfeld (highly recommended to husband), I was cleaning the kitchen when my mom texted me to call her.  I did.

Cuddles is no more!’ She said.


‘There was an accident …..…’

‘What!!  How!!  I just spoke to Didi some time back!’

‘I know… It just happened.. They took him to the hospital. But he was gone by then’.

No matter who dies when we get that call, the first reaction is always disbelief. I was trying to convince my mother that I had spoken to my sister few hours back and this had not happened then.

Was there some possibility it really had not happened?

She then went on to tell me how it happened. My heart broke into a hundred pieces.  Imagining it gave palpitations. I felt a knot in my stomach. I went to the wash room. The palpitation continued…

I called my sister.  Heard her cry. Heard her describe the events of the morning. A usual morning.  He was playing. He got hurt. He let out a scream. And stopped moving.

She thought he has fainted. She insisted they take him to the hospital. They did. The nurse said what nobody wants to hear. It all happened in a few minutes.

And just like that, this little person who had become everybody’s favourite was gone!  Before anyone could even understand what had happened.

I asked her if he suffered. She said no. He died within seconds. We both found comfort in that thought.  We talked about the dog we had when we were kids. He was bitten by a snake / scorpio. We never found out. His wails continue to haunt us even today. I have locked up the memory of his death somewhere in my mind.  It does come back again every time I hear another dog screaming in pain.

We were most concerned about my niece who lost her best friend. She has been taking it well. She is trying to be brave. Her teacher asked her to write about it. She wrote that she wishes that morning could be erased…

When my sister had got this puppy, the lady who handed him over had told her that the life expectancy was 19 years.  She had thought her daughter would be off to college in eight years! He would be the one with her….

I thought about how cute, innocent and adorable the little puppy was. Why was his life so short? He did not deserve this!  Was it destiny? Three people in this world who decided to take him home, absolutely adored him, loved him and took care of him. They would have done anything to protect him! Why were they not given a chance! What good came out of this! We read about freak accidents every day. We see videos. Not all have a tragic ending. Some survive. Could he not be one of them?

There are no answers. Death makes us understand how fragile our existence is. Anything could happen. Anytime. To anyone.

We have decided to keep talking about him. Just because he is not there, does not mean he is forgotten. However, his death is something we would not bring up.

We would talk about how much we learnt from him:

Finding happiness in little things.

Being happy for no reason.

Greeting everyone with love.

Thinking that everyone is his friend.

Fighting to be with people he loved..

Rest in peace, dear Cuddles. We would like to believe you had some other purpose. Some other form of existence. Something better. We would also like to believe that you are very happy wherever you are. You are being loved. And everyone is in love with you too.

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Awesome Fathers And Average Husbands

Some 25 years ago: Daily routine

The landline would ring sharp at 7 pm. I would run to the phone.

Me: Hello

Dad:  Hello!! Mummy se poocho kuch lana hai kya?

Me: Mummy Papa ka phone hai! Kuch lana hai!

Mom: Nahi.

Me yelling at the top of my voice even though  my mother would be at a very audible distance: Nahiii

Dad: Ok beta.

Me: Bye Papa. See you soon.

Sometimes my mom would take the phone and tell my dad what to bring. Most of the times he already knew what to get and the call was just a formality.  But he used to get something or the other. No I am not talking about groceries or necessary supplies. He would get doughnuts, pastries, cream rolls, all good things that would light up my face. Whenever he would come home from office I would run to him and cling like a monkey knowing that there would be some surprise for us.

And he continues to do that.  He would go for a walk and end up bringing jalebi and samosa for my mother. My sister is married now, and my niece will turn 10 soon. Still, dad continues to be the Santa Claus who will get us surprises – clothes, shoes, gadgets you name it.

My mother never has to answer that question, ‘Kuch lana hai?’

I remember I used to go to my best friend, Priyanka’shouse as a kid. Her father also was very affectionate like my father. Her mother would cook nice food for us and then Uncle would take us for ice-cream. Those days nobody kept ice cream at home because power cuts would ruin it all. Ice- cream parlous were not that popular yet in small towns. Some random shops like stationery shops kept ice -cream  as a side business! But the easiest way to get ice-cream was to just drive on the road until you find some hawker .

After having lunch at my friend’s place her dad would ask if we want anything more. My friend and I would giggle. I was too shy to ask because I was a well-mannered child and I knew that I cannot ask other people’s parents to buy me stuff. But Uncle also knew and my friend also knew and I also knew that our routine would not be complete without ice-cream. ‘Something is missing’, Uncle would say. Then he would take us both on his scooter until we would hear the familiar scream from a distance. “KAAWAALEETEEEEE”.

We never had to ask Uncle.

The same friend is married now. Before marriage she used to feel she had the best boyfriend. Now things are very different. She called me the other day.

“Tanvi! I ran out of salt yesterday! I asked Aditya to get it. He came back without it! He said he forgot!  When I told him, how will I  make dinner without salt, he said I always ask last minute. I should buy extra and keep. How much am I supposed to remember!! He can also keep track, right!”

“Yes. He can. He should!”

“What are you up to? Want to meet today?”

“Today I have to go buy running shoes! Papa has been saying that the ones I use are not good enough and will give me leg ache. Need more cushioning. I told him It is fine. He has done some research online and wants to buy that for me.”

“I am having back-pain since two months. Aditya keeps saying it is all in your head!! Everybody who works on laptop has back ache! Aise thode hi na hota hai!”

“Are I will come with you to the doctor. Book an appointment.”

“I know you will. But he should na! Remember when I had got sick in 5th grade? Daddy had taken me to three doctors just to rule out typhoid?”

“Haha! Yes I remember that. He wanted a third, fourth opinion!”

“That time we never thought na Tanvi, these things cost money. I used to tell Daddy why are you making me take all these tests again! ……..

Aditya would have said what is the need! These hospitals are a scam. Don’t waste money!”

“Aaj itna gussa kyun aa raha hai Aditya pe!”

“I don’t know why I am so angry. Just that you know… how Daddy used to care for us. We never realized then na….”

I had to cut the call soon. I went shopping and bought running shoes.  My dad also insisted that my mother buys new ones. Now unlike our generation which never has enough clothes my mother is someone who will always say she doesn’t need anything! She looked at the sneakers’ price and insisted that her current shoes are pretty good. My dad started explaining to her how she should buy  shoes which are good for her ankles . While he was trying to convince her and getting all technical about pressure etc, I paid which made my dad upset because he wanted to buy the shoes for me. He then bought two T shirts and track pants for me as he said there should be new clothes to go with the new shoes!

I came back home and called Priyanka. I knew she was upset. This time she didn’t say much. We both just talked about how much our dads care for us.  It is not just about spending money to buy us stuff. But about identifying a need – My daughter  needs this. Or maybe she doesn’t need it. But it would be better for her to have it. How can I make her life easier? How can I bring a smile to her face? How can I make her happy? Do husbands / boyfriends care so much? Maybe they do but sometimes they will weigh the cost. Or they are too lazy to drive. Or they feel we are adults anyway, and we want equality plus pampering! Plus we cannot cook like their moms! Yet we expect so much from them! How unfair.

Relax boyfriends / husbands. This is not something we talk about .

It is just a feeling.


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Kitchen: The Permanent Residence Of So Many Women We Know..

Yesterday I came across something in my News feed that infuriated me:

A restaurant named ‘Second wife restaurant’. Quoting from their website:

“Second Wife is one of the fastest growing food tech companies in Bangalore. For great food and good times. Second Wife cooks like your wife and may be better than your wife also. Experience our taste and quality of our food a wide range of vegetarian and non-vegetarian delicacies with distinct aroma and flavour achieved by carefully blending a host of spices and condiments.”

Assumption : Sole purpose of a woman is to cook for her husband!!

Men, if you want warm, home-cooked food spend some money and get a cook!! Not a wife.

Women of this generation probably manage to get some help. If not someone who cooks all meals, then maybe some one who helps in chopping, slicing, dough making extra.

But what about the generation of our mothers? How much of their time have they spent in the kitchen?

My mother loves cooking. She is awesome at it too. I have tried to keep cooks unsuccessfully. Sometimes, she doesn’t like their hygiene, or taste, or timing. She stands in the kitchen throughout while the cook works directing her. She says if she is standing in the kitchen, observing and instructing a cook, might as well do it herself!  She also says that the time she spends waiting for her, she can be done by then. Also, even with a cook, most nice things which she would prefer to cook herself!

I on the other hand, can let go completely. Being a lazy person, I can comfortably sit and do nothing, while the cook does her job. As long as she washes her hands, washes vegetables, rice properly I am okay with compromising on the taste. Because in return, I get my time! And it is worth it! I would rather spend that time reading, writing, jogging, gymming, watching Netflix or even doing nothing!

I cook once in six months / three months. When there are guests over. Or when I try out a new recipe from the internet. When I have the time. When I have nothing better to do.  No matter how well I cook, or how great it turns out the maximum that can happen is someone will eat well and say, “Very nice!”

To do it every day, from scratch, for a lifetime is just too much!. Whether you can afford help but you still choose to cook (or even if you don’t have an option) it is something that you do all the time with a  lot of time and effort!! 

I remember having a barbecue party at my cousin’s place in Singapore. We had ordered some continental chicken appetizer. My mother and aunt had mixed their Indian spices along with that chicken and managed to make an awesome biryani out of it on a very short notice!

Once biryani was served, we started eating without even bothering to say that it was good! We, however had not failed to applaud the men who had set up the barbecue! After some time, when my Bhabhi started eating after feeding her kid, she said how nice the biryani  was.  My aunt said “Oh thank God! No one was saying anything I was wondering how it came out. I was looking at Tanu’s face, when she took the first bite..”

Sometimes my mother tries a new recipe, spends an awful lot of time on it and gives it to me in my tiffin I love it. I think of texting her but I forget because I am busy at work. Sometimes even once I reach home I forgot to say anything. Sometimes I remember only when she asks. The amount of effort and time that goes in procuring the supplies, planning, cooking! Oh God! And thankless children don’t even remember to acknowledge!

Men often say things like “Mera bhi credit hai, mutton main laaya, wash kiya etc” or some variation of that. And we find it cute also. Lazy, annual cooks like me get a lot of attention for their one time special recipe!

But the ones who do it, all the time it is really a VERY difficult thing to do on a daily basis, for a lifetime! Nobody will say to you everyday that the roti, chawal, daal, was good.

I know the post started out bashing the expectation that women should cook. But let me end it with gratitude for the ones who do it every day of their life! Thank you, mom, aunts, grand moms, sister, cousins and everyone else who does it! I am sure you are not thanked enough!!





Dear Parents, Your Child’s Divorce Is Not About You

Women’s Web shared this article again yesterday.  You can read it here. I had written it more than two years ago.

This article has been very popular. I receive messages from women who may be going through something similar. Yesterday, also I received a message from a woman who is in a horrible marriage.  Let’s call her Riya. Her husband and in-laws treat her very badly. She is extremely unhappy.

“I am always angry”, she said.

I know what that anger feels like….

To constantly hear ill from someone who you live with and his entire family… When all of them gang up against you. The abuses. The taunts. The disrespect. The humiliation. It is never worth it…

I asked her if she is financially independent. She is. I asked her then what is the problem. She said her parents are not letting her get out. It has been just a year. They believe she should make it work because anyway she will be miserable as a “divorcee”. Plus, everyone has “problems” in their marriage. It reminds me of the movie, Dil Dhadakne Do in which Shefali Chaya’s character tells her daughter, played by Priyanka Chopra , “Todna aasan hai. Nibhana mushkil hai,”. Or something like that. I do not have the patience to go through the movie on Youtube and find the exact dialogue.

Just like Riya, I am also very angry. Every time the conversation of divorce comes up in Riya’s family, her mother emotionally blackmails her by giving example of a lady who had a heart attack because her daughter got divorced. Riya asked me what if something happens to her mother if she takes such a step.

I do not have an answer for her.

Why are her parents behaving like this? Isn’t she going through enough? Is it fair that one of the considerations in this already complicated decision would be her mother’s possible heart attack? No. She is not even a heart patient!!

Riya is earning well. If she separates from her husband, she can afford to live on her own. She will not go back to her parents’ house. She already lives in a different city.  Why is her divorce so much about her parents, and not about her?

Probably because the marriage was also about her parents. We know how most arranged marriages work. The parents (girl’s side mostly) pay for the expenses. The jewelry. The functions. The photographer. The makeup. The grand venue.

I also remember a relative telling me four years ago, “Your parents have more stake in the marriage than you. They are the ones who spent their savings. You are so lucky they are okay to forego all of it because you don’t want to be with that guy anymore. “

I heard variations of this again and again:

Parents spend so much money on the daughter’s wedding. They would not want to lose it.

Second time around also they would have to bear! (if you are lucky to have a second time).

I am not even worried about you. I know you are a strong girl. I am worried about your parents who have to see this in old age.

You are not the victim here. It is your poor parents. They must be going through so much stress! Oh God.

Don’t be so selfish! Can’t you just make it work for your parents’ happiness? Do they not deserve peace in old age?

I don’t know how many of you know about the “Ring Theory”. It is a theory that helps you understand where you stand in a crisis situation and what you should do. Psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman wrote a piece about it.  Quoting,

“If the crisis is happening to you, you are in the center of the ring. If the crisis is not happening to you, you’re in one of the outer circles.

Here are the basic rules from Silk and Goodman’s article:Draw a circle. In this circle, write the name of the person at the center of the crisis.Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In this ring, put the name of the person next closest to the crisis. In each larger ring, put the next closest people. As Silk and Goodman state, “Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones.. Here are the rules: The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, ‘Life is unfair’ and ‘Why me?’ That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.” 

The concept is ‘comfort in, dump out”. The person in the center is suffering the most. That person can say anything they want. The persons in the outer circle may also be very upset. They can share what they feel. But to people in outer circles.

So, in case of a divorce, the person in the center is the person getting a divorce. The parents would probably be in the very next circle. Followed by siblings, grandparents, bua mausi, chacha, mama, cousins etc. But they are not in the center.  The center is for Riya.

But it does not work that way in India. In the center are parents, grandparents, family, honour,  father’s pride, mother’s dream, grandparents’ last wish, sister’s chances in the marriage market, neighborhood aunty’ s uncomfortable questions. I do not even know where to find Riya in this. Somewhere under the dump. Lost.

Yes. I know. Any parent would not want their child to go through a divorce. Everybody wants their children to be happy. In any part of the world. But sometimes things don’t work out.

I will again come back to the movie ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’, where Ranveer Singh’s character tells his mother that she did not get out knowing about her husband’s philandering ways because she had nowhere to go.  Yes, it is the harsh reality. Earlier, also marriages may have been bad but women had nowhere to go.  So please it is not about our “family values”, or low divorce rate or the fact that so many people adjusted.

I am sorry parents, but your children’s divorce is not about you.  Even if you paid 30 lakhs on the wedding and jewelry, it is not about you. (You should not have done that in the first place).

This is about their life. Your daughter need not suffer every day, be miserable and angry so that the wedding you attend once a year is free from uncomfortable questions. It is not about you. Or about your neighbor who asks, “Where is her husband”. Her marriage is not about you having peace in your old age. It is about the years and decades ahead of her  that she has to live through.

Dear sundries,

You may know of someone who is going through a divorce. Her divorce is not about you. You do not get to be disappointed in her life and then tell her about it. Please don’t tell her how shocked you are to hear about it. And how you cannot sleep at night. .  Remember comfort in, dump out. You should give her strength. You should try to help her. She is dealing with enough. It does not mean your feelings don’t count. Please feel free to tell other people, in outer circles who are not as vested as her.  But she cannot deal with your disappointments, your pain, your shock, and your horror. She has enough on her plate. 

I am sorry Riya. I am sorry you have to go through this. I feel for you. I am also feeling angry.





Would You Choose Passion Over Stability?

I keep hearing the story of an older family friend.

He must be in his 80’s now. He has never been married. As per the legend, he used to be a handsome man in his youth. Romantic. Desirable. Rumour has it that he looked just like like Rajesh Khanna.

He wanted a “love marriage.” Whenever any “ladki walas” came home for a rishta, he would pretend to limp. Or something else.  He was filmy. He was very clear that he would not compromise on his partner.

Years went by. The perfect one never came along. There were some rumours of an alleged brief fling with another lady who also never married.  He remained single.

He is currently in an old age home. His siblings’ children do visit him. His story has been passed on to my generation by parents as an example of what happens when you are too dreamy! You end up alone!

“You marry while you can!” is what elders tell us. Or even older cousins who married someone without falling in love. I do not want to make this post about arranged marriage vs love marriage. I have written enough about it.

Would you marry someone who are not even attracted to, or have a connection with because he can provide you a stable life?

Or would you marry someone with whom you have a spark yet you are unsure of stability in the future?

What if you don’t even have the second option yet. Would you wait? Or would you go ahead with a secured life?

We have not seen the future. Someone who seems stable today may not be so in the future. So what are you left with then?

And if you marry for “love”, then well if the love doesn’t last?

Can chemistry be developed over time?

But should it be so forced? Isn’t it easier when you already have it?

Elders love to say “You should marry someone who likes you. Not someone who you like.” I think only Indian elders say this!! Is it too much to ask that BOTH should like each other?

I remember talking to a friend of mine who is older than me. She is also a practising counselor. One of the girls was complaining that she was being pressurized for an arranged marriage. But she did not find the guys her parents were seeing for her interesting. But the guy she was seeing was not interested in marrying her. My counselor friend said to her, “You are looking for a man who can be a friend, plus you should have chemistry, plus commitment, all in one person!”

“Well, isn’t that what a relationship is supposed to be?” I immediately jumped to her rescue.

Ideally yes. But it may not happen. You have to pick what matters most to you.”

The answer is never so simple. People who have been married will tell you what matters. Or even what is missing.

Just a thought. A random one.







Aziz Ansari Case And Consent in Dates

Who is Aziz Ansari?

For those of you who don’t know Aziz Ansari is an Indian-American actor, comedian and filmmaker. He has won Emmys and a Golden Globe Award recently. A very successful man. A celebrity.

Feminism and #Metoo movement

We all know about the Metoo movement which was long awaited. Women have spoken up about sexual assault and rape all over the world. Most of these perpetrators have been men in power, having a direct influence on them.

What happened?

A woman named Grace (not her real name) went on a date with Ansari. They went back to his apartment. He wanted to have sex. She did not. She gave a detailed account of what happened that night to a website called She alleged that he violated her. You could read the whole story here. The story has received mixed responses. Some believe that she did everything unwillingly. But she did it. He did not force her. Others believe that seeing her discomfort, he should have stopped. You have to read the story to understand what happened. I do not want to paste extracts here as the content is very explicit.

Consent in dates

So much has been said about it already. On every website. I have read articles in the past couple of days on the topic, commented on pages, participated in online discussions that have turned into arguments. I saw a disturbing trend. Women gave an account of situations in which the man did not technically “force” them with physical violence, but nonetheless their meek no was ignored. Their lack of interest was ignored. Their discomfort, reluctance was ignored. They felt pressurized. They did things they were not comfortable with.

It reminds of a statement made by Tisca Chopra (which was criticized).

Unless somebody says ‘no’, and the kind of ‘no’ you say, and the manner in which you say it should convey that it is completely unacceptable to even ask this question,”. A tentative ‘no’, a polite ‘no’, a ‘no’ that means ‘maybe’ and worst of a ‘no’ that means ‘yes.. just push me more and I will relent’..?

Please note that in this article, I am not talking about women getting molested on the streets, or in parties or by completer strangers. I am talking about consent in the context of being with someone on a date.

I read an article where a woman said that she was living with a male friend of hers for a weekend. She was about 22-23. He wanted to have sex. He was a friend for hers. She trusted him. She knew him. She knew he would never force anything. He would never resort to violence. But she got tired of refusing him. It was exhausting. She also added that she could not leave his house because it was freezing cold outside and that she was too young (23?) to book a hotel on her own! So, they ended up doing “something”. Something she hated.


No matter how long you have known the guy (or not known the guy) there will be that date where you  may “do it”. His place. Your place. Trip. Hotel. Friend’s place.

Men are expected to make the first move. That is the social conditioning. Ideally,  it makes a lot of sense to talk about these things in advance. But does it happen that way? Some men are far more sensitive than others. They will understand your cues. They will be patient. Gentle. Your comfort, enjoyment , interest may be their priority. Others may not be so intuitive. Or maybe they don’t even care about your interest. They just want to get laid anyway.  On the extreme of the spectrum are rapists. Who exert physical force and hurt you. Their intention is to hurt you. I am not talking about them. I am talking about men who will not hurt you with physical force. But they still want to do it. And you don’t.  This may involve  begging. Or convincing. Or making a lousy attempt at turning you on.

What do you do?

Now, imagine you are with a man in his place and it is late at night. He is trying to make a move. You are not interested. But at the same time, you feel like you do not have an option to leave. You feel that if you take a cab at this time, you will again jeopardize your safety. Might as well stay with this testosterone driven boy! You may not even be sure if you like what is going on. Maybe you like some of it. But not all. You may be confused yourself. You may also not be very swift in reacting. It would be great if the man went at the same pace as you. But it may not happen. Most of the times.

The “used girls”

I remember another girl who was younger than me by few years. She asked me if it is okay to lose her virginity before marriage. She said she loved her boyfriend. But at the same time, she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. I had told her it is her choice. I really do not wish to make such decisions for others!

She met me after few days. She said she that was afraid of getting pregnant. So, they did “other stuff”. She did not like it. She regretted it. But it was consensual.

They broke up after few months. She got very depressed. She bombarded him with text messages saying how he “used” her.

I know another woman who had an abortion few months into her relationship. Two years later they were on the verge of breaking up. She told her near and dear ones about what was their “secret” so far. She accused him of ruining her life. The guy ended up marrying her.

I had asked this woman why they had not been safe in the first place. She had said that she wanted to be safe. He didn’t.  In her own words, “He was very good-looking. She is average. She did not want to lose him.”

I hate the term “He used me!” I think women degrade themselves by using such a term. Are you a pair of shoes that you will get “used?”


Grace gave a graphic, detailed account of whatever happened that night. Her identity is being protected. Ansari was humiliated. If any man would give such details of any sexual experience with a woman? We would call him misogynist. Sick.

I read the article 3-4 times. Could he have behaved differently? Of course!! Was it unpleasant? Of course!! Bad date! Bad foreplay! But is it an assault?  Is this the right way to speak up about it – giving details of intimacy on the internet? She  had texted him letting him know how rough he had been. He had apologized.

We need to talk to men. We need to make them more sensitive. We need to tell them they are not entitled to sex.  In any situation.  We also need to talk about affirmative consent.

But we also need to talk to women.

I want to say this loud and clear to women. You do not OWE sex to anyone. You don’t have to feel presurized that you have got yourself in this situation. Now there is no way out. You are not having sex for your neighborhood aunty who will judge you and say, “Haww! Why else did you go to a man’s house alone ! Obviously you put yourself at risk.” You are having sex for yourself. Not liking it enough, hating it, feeling uncomfortable are very good reasons to not do it any further. It is okay to change your mind at any point.

Sexual choices have a very important role in the empowerment of women. Sexual experiences can be good, bad, unpleasant, great. Sometimes they make you feel good. Sometimes okay. Sometimes awkward. Sometimes you regret.

If you start making out and you don’t like it, please stop. Ask him to stop. If he still doesn’t stop, leave. If you are afraid of losing him, and you do it to “keep him”  then accept it. Take up responsibility for your choice. Please do not play a victim later!

One of the core principles of feminism is equality. It also means that women are intelligent human beings with a functioning brain who can make choices for themselves. We do not need to be told what to do.








No, Living With In-Laws Is Not The Law. And I Am Not A Criminal If I Breach It!

Please click on the link above to read the full article on Women’s Web.

I’ve Done My Time…No Thank You, I Don’t Want My Grandchild To Live With Me

I’ve Done My Time…No Thank You, I Don’t Want My Grandchild To Live With Me