The other day I came home after a sleepover at a friend’s place. Having been awake most of the night, I went to sleep by evening – around 4:30 -5. And then I was woken by the door bell. I was in deep sleep and was trying to place the sound of the door bell as part of my dream. Finally the realization came that it was the door bell that was real and not the dream and I ran towards the door.
And at that moment I felt that he was visiting me. I don’t remember the dream. Or thinking about him. But out of nowhere I had the feeling that it was him who I would see outside the door. I looked through the peep hole. I could not see the person clearly but I was sure that it was him. I ran back to my bedroom to wear my glasses, longing to see him after so long. For those few seconds, I was so happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I put on my glasses and looked through the peep-hole again.
It was a stranger. Some delivery person. I opened the door, took the groceries, and paid him.
And then I felt a whole new gush of pain. Fresh pain. Raw pain of losing somebody I lost a long time ago. He is dead! How could it possibly be him?
It was not that I was not awake when I heard the bell. I was completely awake and conscious. I knew he was dead.
Yet how could I be so irrational and actually expect that he would show up at my doorstep? That feeling was real. The comfort I felt for those few seconds was so real. The sadness I felt on realizing that he was still dead was also real.
The only thing that was not real was his visit.
What makes the human mind keep such hopes? Do I not comprehend death? Am I distant from reality?
Yet I crave for that visit. Or a dream. Anything to have that momentary, unreal, hopeless hope and feeling of seeing him again..